So Many Mothers to Me

Sheer Good Fortune - A Documentary from virginiatech on Vimeo.

Jamaal May

"you with the full ashtray/ and empty scotch glass/ for a therapist/ you must have felt it/ because you've got/ a pocket full of lottery tickets/ for a financial strategy/ a vibrator for a love life." 

— from "The Movement of a Trapped Animal."

This brotha here.

 Jamaal May.

I'm feeling heads from Detroit. Everyone says the city is dying but every time I've been there the African-American community is doing something vibrant and reverent. Maybe that's what the death of a Midwestern city looks like.

Speaking of vibrant and reverent, I am going to participate in my very first Umoja Karamu ritual tomorrow.

 The people who call Kwanzaa Black Christmas will call this Black Thanksgiving, but it's  deeper than that. It was started in 1971 by Dr. Edward Sims and it's a ritual that vibrantly and reverently honors and acknowledge Black people from slavery to the present and beyond.  



May's new book of poetry is called "Hum."

We Elegant Everywhere: Joshua Bennett at Kent

A girl in class today said she didn't like using end-rhymes because they made her feel ashamed. Then she beamed a smile satisfied with how witty it thought she was.

I drove to Kent to hear Joshua Bennett and he made a thousand brown ova swoon while brothas gave him subliminal dap when he rhymed "Ellison" and "heaven is."

He started his set off with the first lines of Lucille Clifton's "Won't You Celebrate with Me" and went into a poem he wrote after he heard the Zimmerman verdict. Since that day, two more Black people asking for help have been shot to death.

In class, we discussed whether or not a poet has the right to write beautifully about something tragic he has never experienced, say, the death of his wife from cancer. We debated whether it was dishonest because the reader is assuming the poet is writing from experience and feels cheated when the poet says, "No, no, I made that up, my wife is right here, pink and healthy."

In other news, white people have run out of shit to say and are now borrowing other people's pain.

If Joshua Bennett is any indication of his generation, they are cohorts shiny and  new with wonderful things. They care about gender issues (he asked a room full of brothas to stop cat calling women on the street--personally, I always liked catcalls); rethinking the education system; disability vs. difference; and love. Yes, love. Always love.

Joshua told of how Thomas Jefferson said that Black men where incapable of love. In that context, his every love poem was a revolutionary act against Jefferson and his legacy.

And he knew who Rilke was. :-)

Poetry on the T.V.

TV shows are using poetry to give episodes a little something something.

In the last season of Breaking Bad, an episode entitled, "Ozymandias" had everybody googling the Percy Bysshe Shelley poem and what it said about kings and empires falling did not bode well for Walter White. Mad Men titled an ep after Sylvia Plath's "Lady Lazarus" to echo the show's themes of recreating oneself and rising from the dead (Don, Draper, anyone?). Frank O'Hara's "Meditations in an Emergency" also tent-poled an episode and thematically returned later in season 2.

  And I just finished watching a Homeland episode entitled "A Red Wheelbarrow" in which pregnant-ass Carrie got shot and Saul found Brody in Venezuela strung out on heroin; it even had a William Carlos Williams reference.  Characters tended to say "it depends" a lot.  Last week's episode was called "Gerontion" after T.S. Eliot's poem about an old man who realizes he's wasted his life.

Apparently, an M.F.A. in poetry does a body good in Hollywood writing rooms.

People watch T.V. in a different way nowadays. I've noticed I don't watch anything that I can't follow on Twitter for live-tweeting action. There's something about sharing the snark with other people who are watching that makes the experience more enjoyable. Then, I read episode recaps, listen to podcasts, and join in the hunt for the Easter eggs the writers hide in the script. So an episode named after a poem is another clue into the deeper meaning of the show that adds to my overall enjoyment of the watching.

It almost makes you curious about the poems that inspire the writers of such awesome shows. (Well, Homeland kinda sucks this season, but still.) Titling eps after poems helps me see poetry in a different light. It makes poetry seem fresher and a little more relevant to have the direct link between the poem and a fictional life I care about pointed out to me.

Huh, I'm being introduced to poems by cable television.

won't you celebrate with me

  by Lucille Clifton

won't you celebrate with me
what i have shaped into
a kind of life? i had no model.
born in babylon
both nonwhite and woman
what did i see to be except myself?
i made it up
here on this bridge between
starshine and clay,
my one hand holding tight
my other hand; come celebrate
with me that everyday
something has tried to kill me
and has failed.

This Lucille Clifton poem is hands down my favorite poem. Even before I read the analysis and learned of its connection to Psalm 137, this poem spoke to me because I recognized myself in it. That's kinda what plays and poems should do--show you who you are or who you could be, either as an affirmation or a cautionary tale.

Last year today, I checked myself into the psych ward at Cleveland Clinic and spent a week on the mood disorder floor at Lutheran hospital.

I remember waking up and seeing nothing but gray. I remember thinking that things--whatever things were--had to stop, that I couldn't go on that way. In the time since I made that decision, I have had many mornings and nights when I felt the same way. However, Cleveland Clinic's lame attempt at mental healthcare is no longer an option.

I'm not the only one who feels like this. Another girl in one of my classes who is also one of the few African Americans in the program casually mentioned to me before the start of one class that she had done the same thing over the weekend. I gave her my number and told her to call me if she ever felt that way again, but she never did.

Even if I were the only one who struggled with this, I'm just learning that what I feel is real and valid.

"born in babylon/ both nonwhite and woman/"

I sat in a class and a teacher, who is kind and funny and well-traveled and who I like, looked at me and looked at the syllabus and realized he had chosen no plays by African Americans (or people of color, for that matter). And when he added one, he chose a play by a Black Gay man.  And yesterday, I sat in a meeting at work in which examples of couples where given and not one Black or Latino face was shown. The person who put together the presentation is kind and very nice.

I'm not angry--though people assume if a Black woman points out that people deny her existence on an hourly basis, she suddenly comes to life in the guise of the Angry Black Woman.  I'm just realizing the cost this has had on my soul. This constant being the only Black in the room. Every day, I look for myself and I am not there.

"something has tried to kill me"

I was in Mac's Backs looking for a book to research a play I'm thinking about writing, and I saw another book about emotional abuse. I picked it up and thumbed through it. Resisting the urge to read yet another self-help tome, I left it in the store. But something in it kept nagging at me. Eventually, I got up, went back out and bought it.

I am not relishing playing the victim. Nor do I want anyone to feel sorry for me. But I am trying to understand why I am the way I am and how I ended up where I am. The book talked about being in a relationship with someone who treated you like an enemy. A light went on, the same way it did when Greg explained play structure to me. It's exactly the way I felt whenever I was around Michael.

When you are in a relationship with this kind of person, they will do things that make you think you are crazy. Since they are in a relationship with you, you assume they like you and mean you no harm.  But you are wrong. The book went on to describe every single conversation and interaction Michael and I ever had. The parsing of words, constantly having to explain myself, the sudden outbursts of anger, the withholding and belittling. I once remember joking that if I said, "Today is Tuesday," Michael would say, "Sure, if you want to use the Gregorian calendar."

He'd do things that made no sense like sneak into my plays before the curtain went up and sneak out before curtain call so that I wouldn't know he'd been there. Since he's 6'6", my friends saw him and told me he was there. When we got back together, which precipitated my stay in the psych ward, he'd tell me things like "Stop hanging around Cleveland State, you don't need to be there," or only communicate by text and suddenly stop communicating all together. To some extent, Don did these things as well. And these things happened in private, so I had nothing to check them against other than feeling like I wanted to die.

It's also the way I grew up. The way my father treated me until the day he died. Even my mother shamed me and contributed to the crazy-making simply by refusing to divorce my father, even after he went to prison for selling narcotics through his medical practice.

"I had no model"

Being in these kinds of relationships and this environment destroys the spirit. It makes you sit up one morning and see nothing but gray. It disconnects you from God's power to do the miraculous things He is always doing. I was in a meeting and I forget what I said, but a manager looked at me and said, "Lisa, I'm not arguing with you." I was taken aback because I realized that I was operating in a defensive mode in my every day life. My father was dead, Michael was gone, and I was still acting as if I had to fight to survive or avoid the punishment of isolation.

And it didn't help that two women I thought were my closest friends completely and utterly left my life, not asking about my health after I had been hospitalized or offering condolences when my father died.

It freaks me out because I wonder what is wrong with me that I can ferret out people who treat me this way. But then I try to remember the people who stepped up and surprised me with their kindness and friendship, the professors who offer a diverse syllabus without a second thought, the eye-popping miracles God drops on me like rain every once in a while.

"won't you celebrate with me."

bell hooks and Melissa Harris Perry

These two women gave me LIFE today. bell hooks and Melissa Harris-Perry were at the New School discussing Black Womanity.

It was interesting to hear some of the theory I've been reading referenced and discussed. It made me realize that it would be engaging to read theory and apply it to things I'm interested in, like Black Studies and theology.

I'm almost 50 and every time I go to school to study something, I always dance around these two subjects--the two subjects I'm most interested in. Duh.

Another reason I enjoyed seeing these two discuss Black women and the things we care about is because I spend so little time in the company of Black women. It's always me and one other Black girl and we are, on some level, aware of our trophy-like status. You know, whatever company, department, or program we're in gets to check off its diversity efforts with a Black and female twofer. Women befriend one another. Trophies eye each other suspiciously, aware of the precarious nature of their status. That's more than lonely; it's stressful.

I love that hooks said we must find ways to revere and honor masculinity that exists outside the patriarchy. I love the thinking this woman has done about Black on Black love. How to put that theory into practice--that's the question. And they spoke of the individual, personal, human costs of being a Black woman. Don't get it wrong, there are joys—we are the funniest, lovingest, laughingest, silk-out-of-a-sow's-ear folk ever in existence. But needing that tear wiped, and that shoulder rubbed, and that forehead kissed.

I was driving home and my chest was hurting and I thought about stopping to buy myself some flowers, you know that, I don't need a man I can buy my own flowers bull shit they tell you you're supposed to do when you're single and not feeling it. And it came to me as clear as day: it's not the buying, it's the giving; it's not the cumming, it's the caring. It's not marriage; it's being chosen. That is what is missing and what is making this experience feel barren and grey.

I don't know.

Venus In PASTO

Just got back from Venus in Fur, by David Ives.

I know little about the structure of a play, which is funny, because when I was acting, I always memorized the play. I knew I was ready for opening night when I went for a run and could run the whole play in my head (I'd skip the scenes I wasn't in, lol). So, I was aware of the structure on some level, but never made a conscious effort to understand how the playwright had constructed the play. I approached the play in terms of my character's history and objectives, as an actor should.

So, most mornings, I go to get coffee with my work buddy, Greg. Greg has an M.F.A. in play-writing from U.N.L.V.  And, in turn, I have a B.F.A. (Buy the Fucker A coffee and ask him a lot of shit.).  One walk, he casually tossed off PASTO.  Sixteen lights went on in my head. You don't know what you don't know.

Ken Macgowan came up with PASTO in his "A Primer of Playwriting" and UNLV professor Davey Marlin-Jones taught it to his students. I'm lucky Greg was all up in that mix.

So, let me PASTO "Venus."

Preparation: Thomas, the writer/director of an adaptation of a kinky 19th century German novel, is on the phone with his fiancee. He lays out that he is a) looking for an actress to play Wanda and b) can't find one who can handle the role. He says all the women are young, uninformed, and talk like valley girls.

Action: In walks young, not-to-bright, colloquially rich (and coincidentally named) actress Wanda, hours late.

Struggle: Wanda begs for an audition and Thomas balks. Thomas gives in and Wanda is terrific! The play is kinda sexy to them. They slip in and out of the present day and play-acting and shift power back and forth. Thomas' fiancee, Stacey calls. Wanda calls her "significant other." Wanda tells Thomas the play is really about his own desire to be dominated. Thomas doesn't like that Wanda is right. In a passionate exchange, Thomas calls Wanda a stupid idiot. Wanda is hurt. Eventually Wanda confesses to spying on Thomas for Stacey. Thomas asks Wanda to stay and finish the play. They become more turned on.

Turn: Stacey tells Thomas to call Stacey and tell her he is not coming home. Thomas resists, but gives in.

Outcome: They engage in some S&M and Wanda turns out to be the goddess Aphrodite.

OMG! That's amazing!!!!

I went to see the play with my friend and classmate, Deb. She thought the turn happened at a different point and she's not wrong.

And I'm studying adaptation with the awesome Eric Schmiedl. His theory is that a work has a heart and the bones are the structure and the breath is the way it's told. Heart, bones, breath. The heart of this play: two people's passion coming up against each other. The bones: playwright and actress in an audition. The breath: the S&M power play of desire. OMG!!!!

This really helps me understand how a play is constructed and adapted.